The Leap

There comes a moment when you are standing between all you have ever known and the uncertainty of what is in front of you. You have spent days and nights wondering, could it possibly get better? Could the life I spent dreaming about, the life I so desire actually exist? Your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your thoughts feel out of your control. And then it happens. You take a leap into the waters beneath you. At first the water feels cool, different, promising. You look around with a sense of hope a sense of longing for what is to come. You begin swimming into the sea of unknown and the waves begin to strengthen. You make it through the first few and then the force becomes turbulent, terrifying. You consider going back to shore and then you hear a quiet whisper telling you to stay. Telling you to trust what is happening and all that is to come. Your heart is pounding and the fear within has never felt this strong. The tears pore and the wounds break open. Every part of you wants it to end and still you continue on. You feel alone and unsure of everything that has brought you to this point. Every bone and muscle in your body is tired, wanting to give up and still you continue on. The waves become massive and with each stroke and each breath, you continue on. Nothing feels familiar and you begin to question your decision. Then you realize, it was never familiar you were seeking, it was freedom. 

And then it happens, you face the waves of fear, of sadness of pain. You remind yourself of all that you are and all that you have overcome. You realize that it was never the ocean that was fighting you, it was you fighting the ocean.  You feel your entire body soften.  You find a world of strength and light within that you never knew existed. You feel a sense of hope that maybe, that life you had been dreaming of truly exists because it was in you the entire time. You begin to heal wounds that have spent years hiding in the shadows, waiting for you to come back home. You look into the sky and there you find a shimmer of light between the clouds casting its vibrant rays on your skin and your face and brightens the water that surrounds you. The waves become gentle, the water a soothing blanket of comfort. You feel a trust inside your soul you have never experienced before and you find gratitude in everything that was laying out this path for you. You begin to wonder, could it possibly be this good and then a gentle, calming, quiet voice whispers yes and for the first time in your entire life, you trust it because you finally trust yourself and know that all you have ever been looking for in the world around you, was deeply rooted within. 

A Grieving Paradox

You have been my hardest lessons and my greatest teacher

You have broken me down and broken me through

You are why I fear losing the people around me and the reason I love the people around me so deeply

You are the reason I want to hide under my covers for days, and you are what wakes me in the morning with a desire to live

You have turned joy into darkness and darkness into light

You have sent me down spirals that have felt unbearable and helped me grow in ways I never imagined possible

You cause my heart to ache for the people I have lost and you have allowed me to open my heart to life’s uncertainties

You have caused me to feel lost in this world and helped me to find myself when I needed it the most

You didn’t come into my life to be understood, you came into my life to be felt and I’m learning to open to that when I want to close and when the pain comes, I am learning to choose love over and over again because at your core, that is what you are

You are love 

You are grief